June 30

Three Funny Jokes

Posted by lori . 13 Comments


A few of my favorite jokes:

1.  Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.  He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”  So, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.  Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.  The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit!  What seems to be the problem?”  “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”  “Slower than the speed limit?  No sir!  I was doing the speed limit exactly — twenty-two miles an hour!”  the old woman says quite proudly.  The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” is the route number, not the speed limit.  A bit embarrassed, the woman grins sheepishly and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.  “But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask…is everyone in this car OK?  These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer says with concern.  “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 119.”

2.  A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shone his flashlight around the empty room, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.  When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.  Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard “Jesus is watching you.”  Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.  Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.  “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.  “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.”  The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh?  Who in the world are you?”  “Moses,” said the bird.  “Moses?” the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”  The parrot replied, “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”

3.  A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.  “What was that for?” he asked.  “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained.  “Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”  Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.  When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?”  She replied, “Your horse called.”

Daily Inspiration

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing.  The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Mark Twain

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 30th, 2012 at 2:00 am and is filed under Lori's Lists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

13 Responses to " Three Funny Jokes"

  • Declan says:

    Very good! Must remember them. Mum says she can never remember a clean joke when required! Deccy x

    • lori says:

      Glad to help. Out of my entire email joke collection, these were the only three that I felt comfortable publishing. Guess that tells you a little bit about my collection.

  • Patty says:

    LOL, those are all good.

  • Sue says:

    Had a laugh at the jokes. Ii had heard the second one before, but the others were new to me.

  • The second one is my favourite. To be honest, I didn’t get the first 🙁

    • lori says:

      Don’t you hate that! The old woman thought the speed limit was the route number. When she was on Route 22, she was driving 22 mph and when she was on Route 119, she was driving 119 mph.

  • Penelope says:

    Bwaaa!!! Haaaa!!! Haaa!!!

  • Really funny, I hadn’t heard any of them before 😀
    Lynne x

  • Kat says:

    Thanks for the funnies…needed them! Copied the first one and sent it to a friend who’s retired from the highway patrol and is in the hospital. He has a page set up on Caring Bridge…do you know about this website? It’s pretty cool.

    • lori says:

      I’ve heard of this website, but I don’t have any experience with it. It sounds wonderful and very helpful.

  • Sue Taylor says:

    This is so weird the first of your favourite jokes was emailed to me by a friend just this morning and then when Mum and Dad came over I happened to say you took your time to which Dad replied we came down the A14 …….silence then the penny dropped and I roared with laughter neither Eric or Mum had a clue why we were rolling around the floor, Dad had had the email as well. WTG Dad still sharp as a button.

    Lots of love Sue and the Taylor hounds + 1

  • houndstooth says:

    Those are hilarious! And I feel bad again! I got all caught up and then realized today that I hadn’t seen updates from you again. You vanished from my reader, so I put you back in! I don’t know what happened! Gah!

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