A few of my favorite jokes:
1. Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So, he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?” “Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.” “Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing the speed limit exactly — twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says quite proudly. The state police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” is the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins sheepishly and thanks the officer for pointing out her error. “But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask…is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer says with concern. “Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 119.”
2. A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around the empty room, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot. “Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.” The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?” “Moses,” said the bird. “Moses?” the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?” The parrot replied, “The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.”
3. A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine. “What was that for?” he asked. “That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,” she replied. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” he explained. “Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.” Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” She replied, “Your horse called.”
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.